“Is It Autumnal?”

Smeet WillKane Article User Blog

Hey everyone, WillKane here after a busy year in real life where I turned 40 (I have an article about all that in the works) and doing fun forty-something things like helping with mortgage payments, switching auto insurance (and no, I didn’t switch to Geico) and maintaining my girlish 220-lb. figure. As much as I like spring, there’s just something about fall that I’ve grown fond of since I don’t have to go to school. It’s a few things, actually, like fall festivals (by the way, I highly recommend the Garlic and Herb Festival in SW Vermont each year, an underrated experience for sure), food and cider. The past two years my girlfriend and I have gone to the Jack O’ Lantern Blaze (not necessarily my thing, but I did get a couple of good pics to have some fun with it below, and it’s a date night), which is a sights-and-sounds extravaganza of all displays pumpkin, thousands of pumpkin designs with history behind much of it like this neon brothel-style home:

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I even waited long enough for the pumpkin head ladies of the night to strut their “pumpkin spice” just before Ichabod Crane enjoyed their “pumpkin pies” after lopping their heads off one-by-one. It was crazy, man. My girlfriend wasn’t impressed though, oh well.

I also saw this fiery windmill:

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I jumped over the fence and started to spin the windmill, hoping I could make a windy fireball to scorch confused tourists, or at least make a lot of smoke signals to call for help against the threat of extreme ennui. Then security told me I couldn’t do any of that. I was kinda bummed. Again, my girlfriend wasn’t impressed.

 

At the end of that night, the one item in their merch that wasn’t overpriced was pumpkin spice syrup, which was delicious), which reminds me that the food and drink that comes out during autumn really makes the season worth it to me. How about this Entenmann’s pumpkin iced cake I got at 50% off:

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I inhaled that thing like a walking coronary with a Krispy Kreme donut or a useless broke stoner smoking the very last of his…stuff. The peak of autumn to me is Thanksgiving, and it doesn’t have to be all about turkey, either. Deer, pig and cow are all underappreciated and overlooked alternatives, in my opinion. And a quick shout out to all the animals who give up their lives to get in my belly, because you all the real MVPs. But if there’s one thing I wish would be different is to be more sensitive to those turkeys who have been offended and discriminated against while watching countless brethren be slaughtered, because maybe one day, they might just snap and revolt as this below pic suggests:

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To end things on a high-ish note, I did discover an obscure little gem that stars a disembodied Native American disguised as a turkey that wreaks havoc on stupid white people to avenge the loss of their land, called ThanksKilling:

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It’s a little over an hour of unnecessary gore that dead Siskel and Ebert gave four thumbs down. There’s a surprising series of amusingly disturbed scenes (spoiler alert) which include the following:

 

- A dorky white guy opens the door to the turkey and freely offers him @ss, grass or cash. The turkey answers @ss since he had no cash. The guy unzips his pants, and then the turkey produces a rifle seemingly out of nowhere and gives the guy a chance to wish his family a happy Thanksgiving before blowing his brains out.

-The local nutjob sheriff, dressed as a turkey, opens the door to the turkey wearing a Groucho Marx nose and invites him to wait on his daughter. They talk for some time, and while the turkey gets increasingly annoyed with the sheriff, it’s not until the sheriff calls him an odd duck that the turkey has the sheriff for Thanksgiving.

-The turkey answers the door at the sheriff’s house to his daughter and her friends, somehow managing to “wear” the sheriff’s face on his little head, and EVERYONE THINKS IT’S THE SHERIFF.

 

So eat some dead animal and give thanks to fall. And until next time, have fun and happy Smeeting!

 

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