EN Journalist Sayuri’s latest relationship advice

Sayuri Relationship Column

WHEN YOUR PARTNER TREATS YOU AS AN OPTION AND NOT AS A PRIORITY:

I have discovered that this sort of treatment in a committed relationship or a marriage are being accepted or overlooked/dismissed by many peoples.   I stumbled across a famous quote (author unknown): “Never make someone a priority who sees you as an option.”   Hmmmm, I found this statement to be very interesting and so true.   After reading this statement over and over again and trying to see if I have been guilty of accepting and tolerating this type of behavior from my ex-partners in my relationships during my lifetime, I must admit “yes, I have”.   What makes us accept such bad behaviors from our partners?  The answer is:    Low self-esteem, wrong kind of thinking (sometimes wishful thinking on the part of a lot of women, due to most females nurturing side, and thus who have this tendency to think they can change another person’s behavior toward them.)  No one can change any one, only they themselves can, if they want to.  Also, having the wrong type of thinking such as:  If you let him go, you will never find another partner and would have to face life being alone forever.  All this negative and unhealthy type of thinking, a lot of us have whether females or males, stems from the fact that we really do not value ourselves and allow our partners to treat us as an option.

Let me show you some examples of how you are an option to your partner and not a priority:   If someone is important to you, you make time for her/him.   For example:   If your partner always spends time with you on his/her time, you ARE an option.  Also, if you text your partner , leave voicemail messages on his/her cell phone and your partner does not  even make  an attempt to read them nor return any of your phone calls,  you ARE an option to your partner.  Harsh as this may sound, it is true and it is reality.   One must realize how worthwhile an individual you are and try to learn to not accept such bad behavior, not to mention hurtful feelings and is really emotional abuse.    Once this type of behavior is condoned and accepted by one partner in a committed relationship/marriage, it will occur again and again.

In the end, if you continue in this type of unhealthy relationship, your partner will eventually leave you for another.   Think about this for a moment.  Why and what is the main reason he/she is
“stringing you along”?   I perceive this type of rude and cruel behavior as disrespectful, rude, cruel and not to mention very hurtful to the other person on the receiving end.   No one should accept nor allow such bad behavior toward them in a committed relationship to continue.  Why?  It will never stop.  It will continue and get progressively worst.  We need to be able to see red flags in our relationships and when it is noticed clearly, it really is time to move on or remain in that “abusive” relationship.   I consider this emotional abuse.    Moving on does not mean it is the end of the world for you, but it really means you are allowing the RIGHT person to come into your life, who will love, cherish and treasure you and treat you like royalty. 

One of my favorite quotation   states; “For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.”  Matthew 6:21 (NKJV)   Seek out a partner who will see your worth and accept you and love you for who you are.   However, in order for an abused person to be able to recognize such good peoples out there in this world, one must be totally healed.  If one is not healed and do not love oneself or see value in oneself, this type of bad abusive behavior will continue to be in your next relationship and all of your future relationships.   If you are not totally healed, you will continue to get into another and another relationship with the same type of partner who will treat you as an “option” and not a priority. 

Becoming totally healed is a process and must be practiced and achieved.  How is this done?  Let me show you some simple things you can practice daily in your life to attain more self-esteem.  First of all, let us define the words:  self-esteem: “a realistic, appreciative opinion of oneself,” (Quoted from:  Self-Esteem Workbook, by Glenn R. Schireldi, Ph.D.)  It basically boils down to our negative thoughts and self talk in our brain we have of ourselves.  Be always aware of your negative self-talk and negative thoughts that you play over and over again in your brain.  One example:   If I leave him, I don’t think I will be able to find another partner.

“Feelings of low self-esteem can negatively affect your mental health as well as other areas of your life, such as work, relationships and physical health.”  Here are some suggestions to help you build up your self-esteem:   Exercise, proper nutrition and sufficient sleep:  all will have positive effects on one’s self-perception.  Also, volunteering to help those who may be less fortunate.   According to Kimberly Hershenson, LMSW, Psychotherapist: “Being of service to others, helps take you out of your head.   When you are able to help someone else, it makes you less focused on your own issues.”

David Simonson, Ph.D. LMFT, says: “What I find is that the more someone else does something in this life that they can be proud of the easier it is for them to recognize their worth.  It is something tangible.  Helping at a homeless shelter, animal shelter, giving of your time at a big brother or sister organization.  These are that mean something and give value to not only oneself, but to someone else as well.”

In conclusion, let me leave you all with this most beautiful quotation: “In conclusion, my friends, fill your  minds with those things that are good, and that deserve praise;  things that are true, noble, right, pure, lovely and honorable.”    Philippians 4:8 (GNT)

So, until the next time, keep smiling, keep practicing increasing and boost up your self-esteem to a healthy one, keep dancing and meeting new peoples on Smeet at our daily events.  If you see me around on Smeet, please do not hesitate to say “hi” and if you have any type of relationship question, please message me in private and I will be sure to answer it in my column on this Smeet blog.   Love one another always, because Love conquers all.  Happy Smeeting.   God bless you all!  <3